Wait that’s totally not paradise

Maybe I was just under-wined, but I was totally underwhelmed by the season premiere of Bachelor in Paradise. Gonna need a LOT more wine to endure the rest of this season…

So, ABC completely ditched the Big Brother-style competition show that was 1 part dating and 4 parts calling each other “bitches” behind their backs and calling it strategy to create a whole new show under the guise of dating (well, what the Bachelor franchise calls dating: tourist activities and near death experiences). Thus, reality TV welcomed the even more polygamous Bachelor in Paradise.

Obvi I watched, because I wanted to see the Marcus bald spot that CLEARLY I missed in Andi’s season (Where was I?!?!?), and first of all: Chris Harrison needs some more screen time to better explain this show. What is even happening? They are on a beach (in Mexico, so there’s obviously some miscellaneous, level one Spanish involved), all in one house and each week one person goes home and one new person comes on? And, you have to be in a “couple” but that can change whenever? And there’s no end goal except “love”? So, they are there until what? They run out of alcohol? Yeah, seems like a legit way to find love. Like, Bachelor you seriously topped yourself on the most ridiculous dating TV show right here, and that’s saying something.

So, like the Bachelor/Bachelorette there are three date cards and random people (girls, in this week, and I think guys next week) get date cards and they have to pick a guy to go with. Obviously, the cutest guys are super sought after by a bunch of blonde crazies. Honestly, I’m so surprised these guys aren’t running in the opposite direction. Literally EVERYONE has crazy eyes. Crazy marry-me-please-no-one-else-will eyes. Seriously, front runner guys (Graham, Robert and Marcus): Just GTFO. A good tan is NOT WORTH being on this show.

Crazy Eyes No. 1

Crazy Eyes No. 1

Gosh, this show was such a shit show. I just HAD to rewatch the Bachelor episode of Wipeout so I could watch of few of these idiots get whacked around a little bit. IDK, it made me feel a little better. The highlights (and sometimes the seriously good low parts…):

    • When that one girl in HUGE heels couldn’t get down the rocky stairs to meet Chris Harrison because: no handrails. #TheStruggle
    • When hot girl Lacy was in the water splashing around with a guy and Clare (who was slut-shamed for hooking up with Juan Pabz in the ocean) said something to the effect of “Oh, should I tell her that’s not a good idea?”
  • When I found out that Erica Rose won’t be on it… Tears forever.

    “I’m not doing the show,” Erica said. “I’m seeing someone now, but also, I feel like I’ve done enough ‘Bachelor Pad’ seasons to last me a lifetime!” -- Erica Rose to OK! (Yeah, we were kind of sick of you too.)

    “I’m not doing the show,” Erica said. “I’m seeing someone now, but also, I feel like I’ve done enough ‘Bachelor Pad’ seasons to last me a lifetime!” — Erica Rose to OK! (Yeah, we were kind of sick of you too.)

  • When Daddy Ben took a tequila shot on his own and complained that his season he was on didn’t have enough people down to party. OH, also seems like this former villain has a GF waiting back home–and people are PISSED about him being public about it. Screen Shot 2014-08-05 at 12.28.59 AM
  • When CLEARLY the producers got a lot more creative clearance on the show and made it seem like Clare was talking to a raccoon (I hope/pray she wasn’t actually and was talking to someone off screen/God maybe?) image
  • When hot girl Lacy (who literally had her own final two men in competition with each other for her date and both were OH SO EAGER to give her their roses) said how she was torn between two guys and she was “40-80” about them. Poor thing. Let’s get her on a math competition next please.

    Y'all Juan Pablo sent her home on night 1.... this is testament to how terrible she is. JP DIDN'T WANT HER!

    Y’all Juan Pablo sent her home on night 1…. this is testament to how terrible she is: Even JP DIDN’T WANT HER!

  • When that one girl cried after being betrayed by a guy she knew for less than a day. Yeah, I wish I could be more specific about that. You’re definitely like, “Wait which time?”
  • When the bromance that is Marquel and Dylan was reunited in mid-air. Chill, guys. It’s been like, what? A few weeks since you were both in love with Andi? image_2
  • When crazy Michelle (clearly just upset that Michelle Money came on the show and did NOT want to go back to last name initials) up and left right before Marquel got to give out his rose. It was such a Kanye moment. Like, “Ima letchu finish Marquel, but I ain’t into y’all. PEACE!”  Apparently, that story isn’t over according to next week’s teasers. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rHiCtSiQAyQ
  • When Marcus asked one-armed Sarah if she could swim…. cringe.

Ugh, whatever, Bachelor in Paradise. I’ll see you again next Monday, but I’m investing in more wine.

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3 thoughts on “Wait that’s totally not paradise

  1. Pingback: Wait that’s totally not paradise – Wits For Kicks (blog) | Digital and magazine journalist

  2. Pingback: Why Reality Dating Shows Are Awesome | Wits For Kicks

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