Here’s my biker beef… and my problems might be centered in my cynical lifestyle BUT MAINLY because I am a college student, living on campus who JUST had foot surgery and I’m still able to get around well enough without wheels so WHY, really tiny soccer player who lives in my building, do you feel the need to bike to your class down the street? I also brew such hatred for these people because of the lack of biking etiquette on campus. Do these cyclists think they are in effing Mario Cart avoiding Princess Peach and Luigi and racing to the finish line? No, you are winding and weaving through real people who literally go into fight or flight mode when you sneak up on them. People like me who’s heart stops and freezes up when I hear the rustle of rubber on pavement. Another reason I hate them so much is they are absolutely fake, fikers if you will. These kids are no Lance Armstrong. They bike only because they are too lazy to walk. These are the people who will be first in those scooters in Wall-E. They don’t even wear helmets (although they will wish they did after I’m done with them) and they do not have the monster thighs of a true cyclist. Therefore, I hate you and your poser peddling.
So here are ten ways to gain your revenge on those campus cyclists that deserve to die because they scare the pee out of you every morning when they almost kill you:
- Carry tacks or nails with you where ever you go. Then throw them down like a pair of dice in a game of craps in front of a truly evil biker that passed you two inches from your face the other day.
- Push them into the street where they belong, the street rats.
- Wait for them to be crossing a street or something and then yell really loud “HEY WATCH OUT!!!” then watch them stop, over-react and fall.
- Cars aren’t the only vehicles with tires to slash or let the air out of…
- Boot their bike wheel (someone has bound to make that) and attach an official looking ticket with a fine on it to be paid to [Your Address Here]. (hint: get a PO box and run this scheme all semester long.)
- Spray paint over their bike brand (especially if it is a Schwinn, because if there’s anything worse than a biker, it’s a pompous biker) and paint a naughty word or some sort of clever word play (like change Schwinn to Schitt or Trek to Shrek).
- Yell at them “STUDIES SHOW BIKE RIDING MAKES YOU INFERTILE!”
- If you are walking with a friend and you hear a biker coming behind you… Start talking animatedly, throw your arms out and clothesline the sucker.
- Step in front of their path and have them hit you. Then ask for their name, phone number and insurance information. Document the scene as if it was a car crash. Tell them you’re calling campus police (but it’s actually your friend). Threaten to sue if they don’t comply.
- Stand in front of their path (this works best if you can trap them… maybe against the side of a building) then say NONE SHALL PASS and reenact that scene from Monty Python attempting to fight them. If the reference is lost, cup your hands and clap them while galloping away on your pretend horse.
Stay tuned for more of my rants about pointless things like skateboarding to class (really dude, you are just running with one leg) and running to class (OK, because you’re sacrificing looking like a sane human for making it a whole three minutes earlier).