Ever been in a Starbucks and been like “Wow, I’ll take that barista with extra whip.” Lord knows I have. And because I’m such a pro at getting guys (HA), here are some tips to get that coffee cutie.*
Go in lookin’ SCHMEXY
Don’t mess with this drive through nonsense. What are you a 30-year-old divorcee who has turned to speed dating as a last resort? No, get cho ass in there and make sure that ass looks GOOD. Guys are easy to impress, “Show some skin to get men.” My personal motto. Also, guys are subconsciously attracted to pheromones. So do some jumping jacks, cartwheels, butt-kicks are whatever right before you go in, extra points if he sees you. Then nail your entrance. Just pretend like when you open that door you are moving in slow motion with a fan blowing your hair like a sexy beach music video. You enter, locks a flowin’, eyes opening and closing (in slow mo remember) and you make eye contact and smile. Oops, accidentally locked eyes with the butchy, bulky female barista? Just run outta there screaming. To try again, another day.
This is your shining moment. The order is key. Start with “Hello.” If he speaks first, just talk over him, boys like that. Feeling confident? Add a “How are you?” Then order something simple, in case he’s slow. This is probably the only conversation you’ll have. SAY SOMETHING FUNNY! Like “Hey what’s the deal with coffee beans?” or “Why’s it called skim milk? Why not SLIM milk!” Then do your super-sexy look-how-fun-I-am laugh. Think Julia Roberts. Anyways, give him your full name when he asks for it, just in case he wants to google you or facebook stalk you… then hunt you down… stalk your house… and.. late one dark night pop up out of no where.. and love you till the end of time!!! What, where did you think I was going with that?
Pay the piper
Unless he takes your bait and decides to take a different form of payment (giggity, giggaty) pay with cash, ones preferably (so he knows what you’re about). And then, THIS IS CRUCIAL, tip him! So that he can tip you, alright?????????? Ew, I regret going there. Barf. But for serious, those plexiglass boxes are not for decoration! Well, actually… are they? Because I’ve never seen them empty. And who tips at Starbucks anyways? So you’ll be different, good. And no chump change! Go dollars or just go home.
Sweet n’ milky
Get your head outta the gutter. Once you get your drink (and you said thank you, manners ladies!) go to the sugar station. Now look at it. Is anything empty? If it is like any other Starbucks, there is. Then go ask for it from your future husband. Once you got that extra moment of interaction, perform your most crucial action: the bend and snap. People laughed at Elle Woods for this, but she had it all right. (For future dating advice, see “Legally Blonde” and “Legally Blonde 2: Red, White and Blonde.”) So here’s what you do, take that venti cup of stirs and flip it over, letting one fall to the floor. Laugh or cough or sneeze so that he looks up. Then with your good side facing him bend over to pick it up (bending like you want to try to touch your nose to your knees) and pick it up. Then slowly, key slow mo moment, straighten up and eye contact. This time if you get butch, I think the only thing to do is just date HER instead.
Then just spend the rest of the day in that coffee place. If it isn’t one of those attached to a bookstore then bring your own. Something real smart-like. Maybe “A Shore Thing” by Snooki or anything from Urban Outfitters. Then go get a refill–more one-on-one time. It’ll be like you are already on a date. Eventually you’ll be so caffeinated he just won’t be able to resist your ultra-dilated eyes or heavy breathing. But most importantly, get a good table that ensures you are always in his sight. This might mean kicking out that old man playing chess, but sacrifices must be made for love. Just sneeze on him until he leaves. Old people are so scared of sickness.
OK, if you haven’t gotten the guy by then. Well then he’s probably gay. Go buy some shoes and call it a day!
Witsforkicks is now taking suggestions! This one is from my lovely muse/best friend Kirby! Any ideas? You can tweet me or comment below! OR use the feedback at the top!
*Please don’t judge me for this. All of this advice should not be taken entirely serious. I have no degree in psychology, although I did take one Psyc stats class soooo I’m pro.